46. 7:30 a.m. - 8:00 a.m.

I know that when he's hurting or mad or trying to forget something he puts on the loudest music he has [mp3]º and turns it up to 11.

I move slowly. Reach behind the stereo and unplug the speakers. Sure, he'll figure it out right away, but I thought that maybe the gesture would last. Make it clear that I knew how permanent what I was doing really was. That I'd labored over it. That it wasn't one of my bitsº acting up. That he shouldn't come looking for me. That I wasn't coming back.

I put my key on the coffee table and quietly let myself out. On the way downtown, I thought about the night before, about the last thing I said to him and how ironic it was. How wrong it was. How he'd misinterpret it. I went to a payphone and called the Bell Answer machine with the backdoor method so the ring wouldn't disturb him.

I left him something to keep. Something he might want to play again. I left him a song.

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